In which I stop traffic.

I wish to relate, dear reader, the events of some nights ago which characterise nicely that emotional roller-coaster I will charitably call 'my life'. It was a cold and windy night. I say this not just as a cliched story opener, but because it fucking was, O.K.? There was one of those southerly winds you get here that both chill you to your giblets¹ and remind you that winter is a-comin'. Did my poor mitten-less hands freeze solid, I hear you ask in a tone con notating the deepest of concern? While I am touched by your evident worry, dear reader, it is my happy charge to inform you that no, they did not. I have, in short, been re-united with my mittens, and in the subsequent reveling I have, I am ashamed to admit, failed to inform you, my fellow mourners, of this happy news. How did this joyous event take place? Well, it all started with a conversation with one Adriana Siddle². Knowing me as well as she does, dear reader, allowed her to ask of me question of such startling simplicity and breathtaking brilliance³ as to warrant an appreciative "ah" from you, the audience⁴. Whilst I was wallowing in some characteristic and well-deserved self pity, I was asked the following (and brace yourselves): "Have you ..... checked the pockets of all your jackets?". I had not done this. As a result of so doing, however, I have been united once again with my mittens of awesomeness +3.

Anyways, I was walking home on the night in question with a satisfied strut and a hankering for fish and chips. It was while I was closing in on the noble fried-fishmongers that a curious thing happened. I was bitterly disappointed whilst strutting across the zebra-crossing opposite to realise that the day was what can only be described as 'a monday'. This is important in as much as the fish and chips shop on Aro Street is closed on Monday. My mood rapidly improved, however, upon realising that the mitten-accentuating strut I adopt whilst sporting these lovelies had finally paid off. A driver who had stopped to let me pass casually leaned out the window so as to say (and this seemed to be the only possible explanation) something along the lines of "what fine mittens you have, sir! Wherever can such items of apparel be purchased (indeed, I had not thought such wonders possible in this world)?". Once again, however, I was both forced to taste bitter disappointment and consult this chart. I had mis attributed the cause for this arse's communication with me to be my mittens, when I should instead have linked it with that kind of second-long pause you only really get from realising that a fish and chips shop is closed. What he actually said was the following: "Hey, mate, if you're going to cross a road fucking cross it, alright? Don't fuck about". Such situations piss me off mightily. What the fuck is one to do? In the time it takes for you to even realise what has been said, the bastard is already a few hundred metres away from you and your response of "I know you are, but what am I?" can no longer avail you of anything. Curiously, but two nights before my office-mate had a cigarette stolen from his mouth in similar circumstances when an expert kick-boxer sucker-punched him in the face, took it and walked off. We have since concluded that the only adequate answer to such circumstances is to constantly carry a loaded gun⁵. Even Michael Moore could not possibly argue with this clear and present need.

In the mean-time I must satisfy myself with the knowledge that he caused himself more of a delay in yelling at me than I did. Just so you all know where I'm at. With my life.

¹I am now crossing the word 'giblet' off of my Stuff to use in a sentence - Urgent!! list.

²It needs to be pointed out for various reasons that myself and Adriana are at the moment officially together. I love her very much and she needs to stop being silly.

³Alliteration This is satisfying....

⁴ And, just quietly, my people are everywhere. Those of you who fail to do this will be crushed. As you were.

⁵"Oh, yeah?" bang "well, one of your tyres is flat, arsehole".... "An expert in kick boxing, is he?" bang " It didn't seem to help"......

In which I am in Mourning.

I have lost, dear reader, some very good friends of mine and wish to default to the (paraphrased) words of a soul greater than mine to express my resulting sorrow...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Behold my cold bare hands! Let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes drone up high at public cost
Scribbling on the sky the message They are Lost
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves¹.

They were my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought my gloves would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

A few days ago, dear читатель, when the weather had gotten sufficiently cold & windy, I sought out the welcoming warm embrace of some old friends. I have not until now felt strong enough to relay to you the following truth: Alas! Alack! Woe and despair, they were nowhere to be found! However shall I now survive the winter? Without them, I am not sure I want to....

¹Dual Fingerless gloves/mittens, of course. As a sign of respect.

Why, oh why did I not think of doing this before....

On a good day, it is fair to say that Geoff's mind works a little like this. However, just as a room full of monkeys typing randomly on keyboards may one day come up with the script to Murder She Wrote, so too does Geoff occasionally un-wittingly hit upon an idea so awe-inspiringly profound as to warrant a partition of human history into pre-idea and post-idea eras. In his comments to my previous post, dear reader, just such an idea was had.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the next logical step of all of human endeavor. A post-modernist essay generator essay translated from English to Korean back to English via Babel Fish:

Expression attention reform: Neotextual paradigms of the agreement which is to work of rules of spelling.

Martin E. Brophy literature, father Catherine Abian politics of university of Illinois and father of Berkeley University of California


1. Smith and capitalist poststructural theory

" Is one part of style of ceremony art, " Says Bataille; But, Cameron [one part of style of 1 art is] according to, purely ceremony, but rather is not rubicon of ceremony. The subject becomes connection in neotextual paradigms of the agreement which includes an actuality with actuality. , The consequently, about preconstructivist dialectic theories many discourse does not know being revealed.

In compliance with Abian [2] we must select from between capitalist paradigm of neotextual paradigm and expression of agreement and we are preserved the fact that wears out. About mythopoetical paradoxes some theory exists with what kind of meaning.

Preconstructivist dialectic theories served art colonial attention person perception of record identity selling the trench the fact that wears out imply. Therefore, about neotextual paradigms of agreement, many desublimations does not know being discovered.

In compliance with the critique of Bataille capitalist poststructural theories the culture impossibility is preserved the thing, but only the actuality culture and is equal; It is not fact, the model of neotextual paradigms of Baudrillard agreements " subdialectic discourses " And therefore is one of part of truth bravery. As the theme song whole includes a sexuality was interpolated the possibility of saying that wears out was.

2. Context of the flaw which is fatal

The high position one concept with creation between destruction is distinction from Smith work. The capitalist poststructural theory catches and in case, the Smith work is the modern attention person. Consequently, neocultural paradigms of Dahmus discourses [prenarrative the subject which 3] analyses is unique is not talk, knows is.

The person examines a capitalist poststructural theory in case, the person confronts with selection: Refuses preconstructivist dialectic theories and in order to use the ethnic minority ten:00 five or the culture being used, does not know, end [mayc] ten:00 five. Prerequisite of neotextual paradigms of agreement the government implies the fact that also the importance wears out. Therefore, from pursing Amy, Smith preconstructivist dialectic theories deconstructs; From Mallrats, he negates a capitalist poststructural theory.

Derrida was promoted the use of preconstructivist dialectic theories in the attack type father. About role of the author some deconceptualisms exists but with the artist.

Bataille with duration etc. is not same narrative and in order to indicate neotextual paradigms of agreement, neonarrative uses `but. Consequently, about capitalist poststructural theory materialism, the abundance does not know being revealed.

The important subject of Smith work is difference of the society and sexuality. In compliance with Baudrillard essays was preserved the possibility of saying that wears out the actuality which is strengthening a class structure in neotextual paradigms of agreement wearing out.

Sartre in order to indicate the actuality which supports oneself duration `capitalists poststructural uses theory. Consequently, Baudrillard record identity proposes the use of neotextual paradigms of deconstruct agreements.

3. Capitalist poststructural theory and capitalist narrative

" Basically responsible to ceremony capitalism, " Says Derrida; But, according to McElwaine [basically responsible to 4 capitalisms,], purely ceremony, but rather stasis of ceremony and finally the dialectic is not. Baudrillard in order to indicate the role of the participant with the duration `capitalist individuals uses narrative. Therefore, Debord was promoted the use of capitalist poststructural theory in attack class structure.

The person examines a capitalist narrative in case, the person confronts with selection: Receives and Derridaist reading capacity boils or the prerequisite of capitalist poststructural theory is effective the thing truth intentionality degrees as to give the fact that wears out, end [mayc] ten:00 five. The Smith work hinted Tarantino Wilson [5] implies the fact that wears out. But, neotextual paradigms of Tilton agreements [the subject which 6] critiques is unique is economy of neocapitalist societies.

" Is one part of the failure of cultural actuality, " Says Baudrillard; But, Finnis [one part of the failure of 7 actualities is] according to, purely culture, but rather bravery of culture and the collapse which is continuous is not. , Sartre essays disempower arts being used the proletariat, do not know in capitalist poststructural theory and they assert. But Bataille proposes the use of neotextual paradigms of deconstruct agreements to change the society.

Gaiman analyzes a capitalist poststructural theory from Stardust; But, he repeats a capitalist narrative from Sandman. Important subject of Gaiman works, actually, discourse, but is not postdiscourse with what kind of meaning.

Lyotard in order to indicate duration `capitalist poststructural paradigms uses theory, some will reveal the style of main text record identity. Consequently, paradigm of capitalist narrative and therefore the collapse which is depicted from Gaiman Stardust also is clear from the black orchid.

Capitalist poststructural theory 1 of long [8] critique the subject which is to Debord because being it, is not situationism but presituationism. Derrida in order to indicate the role of the artist with poet duration `postcultural main texts uses theory with what kind of meaning.

Neotextual paradigms of agreement catch and in case, Madonna works are the modern attention person. Therefore, the important subject of Madonna works between the society and language is point of sameness.

The subject as the whole includes a culture becomes connection. But, Bataille was promoted the use of neotextual paradigms of agreement in the defiant type father.
_____________________________________________________________________

1. Cameron M.U. D [syen]. (1983) neotextual paradigms of agreement and capitalist poststructural theory. Yale University pressure

2. Abian, M. (1971) circular sky: Capitalist poststructural theories and neotextual paradigms of agreement. University 3 of every matter tendency [chu] pressure. Dahmus W.M.U. D [syen]. (1980) neotextual paradigms of agreement and capitalist poststructural theory. Harvard University pressure

4. McElwaine, Z.S. (1999) Subtextual Dematerialisms: Neotextual paradigms of the agreement which is to work of separation. Schlangekraft

5. Wilson N.D [syen]. (1986) agrees, capitalist libertarianism and libertarianism neotextual paradigms. Loompanics

6. H.Y.L of Tilton collapses. (1973) narrative: Capitalist poststructural theories and neotextual paradigms of agreement. Cambridge University Press

7. Finnis W.D. D [syen]. (1988) neotextual paradigms of the agreement which is to Gaiman works. Loompanics

8. long and V. (1990) pebble ocean: The capitalist poststructural theory which is to Madonna works. O' Reilly & Colleague

An ode to Salient

If the loyal reader of my blog¹ had been wondering about my tardy posting record of late, they would be well advised to read on².

I once, you see, had a high opinion of both all opinions of mine other than the one I am currently expressing⁷, and of my rapier-like wit, my subtle but deeply incisive insight into the tragedy of the human condition, my bard-esque mastery of the English language and a certain red pair of underwear I own that no-one else on Earth can muster up the courage to call anything other than 'hideous'. In all of these talents, dear reader, I have discovered myself bested. Were it by a single, special individual I could have lived with my resulting sense of disappointment. Were it even by two individuals I likewise would have evaded the depths of depression into which I sank (provided, of course, these individuals were famous wits, poets, philosophers or possibly taxi drivers⁸). As it turns out, however, I find myself a distant second to a vast number of individuals drawn from a cadre of intellectuals who see fit to rub my nose in their superiority on a regular basis. I am referring, of course, to the letter writers to the otherwise pedestrian student magazine of Victoria University: Salient. But why would I waste more of my readership's precious time with my own inferior scribbles when I could instead elevate my blog to true greatness through the humble repetition of their literary and philosophical greatness? It is to this noble end that I now turn. The reader should note that the greatness they are about to witness is drawn but from the single latest issue of the publication.

Dear N-N-C-lient,

Big ups to the S.M.B!

Chur!

..... Hammer ......

________________________________

dear salient

i wasted an hour doing the damn crptography by yes i am really a campus coach it was such an arrogant way to write a letter but as i thought i was intellectual superior i completed it yes cc i did

your poem needs some work so here i decided to write you a lil story

she walked in the door eyes so sweet staring down as if afraid to meet I looked a second too long and in that second our eyes met and she blushed as her eyes followed mine i was confused what should i do? what could i do. this drove me to do the one thing i never thought id do ..... smile the cheesyiest smile you'd ever c and hope no expect one in return the anticipation was killing me as at first there was the confused look quickly turning into a rushed smile as she triped lucky that i was there to catch her as she stared straight at ny eyes again as if trying to analyse who i was? what type of person i was and just then i smelt the most esquisite smell i ever smelt it paralyzed me from head to toe i could only do one thing in that moment ..... to be continued⁹

from forever and ever hun xoxo.... miss ya long time!!!!

________________________________

Dear INFO 101 tutor,

Sorry I'm 15 minutes late. I got hit by a car.

So give me my attendance bastard!

Yours,

The sly and sneaky fox.

________________________________

Hey! Hey Salient!

Nice rack. Way-hey!

Michael "I-Like-Girls" Hempletine

________________________________

Dear So-it-was-okay-lient,

Today I waited for two buses for agest, then two came at once. But one of them was full, so it was okay¹⁰.

onelineletters

________________________________

Dear Salient,

It's been a while.

But did you see me in Craccum?

I'm so famous.

Love wellybabe87

That sound you are currently hearing, dear reader, is the contented silence of an entire nation. Sleep soundly, New Zealand. The hands of your future leaders are firm, just, wise and true.

¹Purposeful singular. You know who you are, and may cease hitting 'refresh'.

²As, indeed, would anyone who values a gripping read constructed by a true master of the English language<sup>3

3</sup>But who is also first and fore-most one of those rare connoisseurs of the bitter taste of disappointment⁴.

⁴.............. and don't kid yourself, buddy, they're out there⁵.

⁵..... I wonder..... would a foot-note to a foot-note to a foot-note to a foot-note to a foot-note be going too far do you think⁶?

⁶Not that that would have been one, of course. This one is, though. The reader is left to infer for themselves the degree to which the author really values their opinion....

⁷Yeah, I've always been a little luke-warm on that one. I suppose if I had to score it out of 10 (on an opinion-ometer, if you will) I'd give it about a 5.673. Incidentally, are all of these foot-notes giving you a head-ache yet? I'd hate to think I was going to all this trouble and you weren't getting a head-ache....

⁸Note the way I put that digression into a set of brackets rather than a foot-note? Yeah, I relented on my desire to wreak destruction on your head. Oh, wait.... bugger. Sorry.

⁹Nooooooooo! And I thought Dostoevsky finished chapters with cliff-hangers! Why must this tortured genius leave me in such gooey anticipation for the next installment? Why must life be so cruel? Never since Shakespeare have we witnessed a genius more deserving of the license he takes in breaking all rules of spelling, grammar and punctuation!

¹⁰I recall, with shame, my own clumsy attempt at conveying such an epiphanous tale....

A friendly exchange takes the inevitable turn...

WOE!! My genial exchange with my fine Greek protege has, I am sorry to report, taken a turn towards the seedy. I just received this:

Thank you a lot my friend for your advices. Charm in you now I will think better my each movement in the poker. However exajtj'as the world economic crisis I do not have enough money in order to buy chips from somebody. You I ask one last charm and it believed with apogoi'teftw if him you do not satisfy after you gave enough time for me. It could me you give few from your money in order to I can make a good beginning?

The ingrate! That cretinous cur!

Ah Babel Fish......

Hello. My name is Andrew Fitzgerald, and I play too much Facebook (well, Zynga) Poker¹. At the time of writing this I have around $2.5 billion in chips. There are many curious things one could write about the Facebook poker economy. The fact that people actually sell these chips potentially, it has been pointed out to me, has implications for 'real' inflation, for instance. One thing I really like, however, is the mirror it holds up to society's sexual politics. See that hot girl who just sat down at the table²? In a few moments she will be inundated with drinks, flowers, 'poker-buddy' requests and possibly (if she's lucky) a few gracious offers of a good boning. Conversely ... you see that ugly-as-fuck but terribly (virtually) rich guy that just sat at the table? Yeah, in a few moments he'll be getting much the same treatment from a bevy of virtual gold-diggers. Sadly, however, much of this stops at the truly big tables where such vixens cannot even afford to sit. All I get nowadays are hackers trying to phish for my account password, and constant friend requests from people begging for chips. WOE! It makes, then, for quite a refreshing change when one receives correspondence from someone truly interested in the game, as I did today:

I am worshipper of game poker and I would want you to ask that you accomplished to gather as a lot of money in this game. For example who at your opinion is the secret of your success. Your advices with will be precious, for this reason you will request with answers.
Have one splendid day!!

Thank-you, random babel fish user. This friend request I think I shall accept.

¹Hi Andrew.....

²Well, O.K. .... the person whose profile picture is a hot girl. Christ knows if it's even a she, let alone whether or not the picture corresponds in any way with the person in question.