I once, you see, had a high opinion of both all opinions of mine other than the one I am currently expressing7, and of my rapier-like wit, my subtle but deeply incisive insight into the tragedy of the human condition, my bard-esque mastery of the English language and a certain red pair of underwear I own that no-one else on Earth can muster up the courage to call anything other than 'hideous'. In all of these talents, dear reader, I have discovered myself bested. Were it by a single, special individual I could have lived with my resulting sense of disappointment. Were it even by two individuals I likewise would have evaded the depths of depression into which I sank (provided, of course, these individuals were famous wits, poets, philosophers or possibly taxi drivers8). As it turns out, however, I find myself a distant second to a vast number of individuals drawn from a cadre of intellectuals who see fit to rub my nose in their superiority on a regular basis. I am referring, of course, to the letter writers to the otherwise pedestrian student magazine of Victoria University: Salient. But why would I waste more of my readership's precious time with my own inferior scribbles when I could instead elevate my blog to true greatness through the humble repetition of their literary and philosophical greatness? It is to this noble end that I now turn. The reader should note that the greatness they are about to witness is drawn but from the single latest issue of the publication.
Dear N-N-C-lient,________________________________
Big ups to the S.M.B!
Chur!
..... Hammer ......
dear salient________________________________
i wasted an hour doing the damn crptography by yes i am really a campus coach it was such an arrogant way to write a letter but as i thought i was intellectual superior i completed it yes cc i did
your poem needs some work so here i decided to write you a lil story
she walked in the door eyes so sweet staring down as if afraid to meet I looked a second too long and in that second our eyes met and she blushed as her eyes followed mine i was confused what should i do? what could i do. this drove me to do the one thing i never thought id do ..... smile the cheesyiest smile you'd ever c and hope no expect one in return the anticipation was killing me as at first there was the confused look quickly turning into a rushed smile as she triped lucky that i was there to catch her as she stared straight at ny eyes again as if trying to analyse who i was? what type of person i was and just then i smelt the most esquisite smell i ever smelt it paralyzed me from head to toe i could only do one thing in that moment ..... to be continued9
from forever and ever hun xoxo.... miss ya long time!!!!
Dear INFO 101 tutor,________________________________
Sorry I'm 15 minutes late. I got hit by a car.
So give me my attendance bastard!
Yours,
The sly and sneaky fox.
Hey! Hey Salient!________________________________
Nice rack. Way-hey!
Michael "I-Like-Girls" Hempletine
Dear So-it-was-okay-lient,________________________________
Today I waited for two buses for agest, then two came at once. But one of them was full, so it was okay10.
onelineletters
That sound you are currently hearing, dear reader, is the contented silence of an entire nation. Sleep soundly, New Zealand. The hands of your future leaders are firm, just, wise and true.
Dear Salient,
It's been a while.
But did you see me in Craccum?
I'm so famous.
Love wellybabe87
1Purposeful singular. You know who you are, and may cease hitting 'refresh'.
2As, indeed, would anyone who values a gripping read constructed by a true master of the English language3
3But who is also first and fore-most one of those rare connoisseurs of the bitter taste of disappointment4.
4.............. and don't kid yourself, buddy, they're out there5.
5..... I wonder..... would a foot-note to a foot-note to a foot-note to a foot-note to a foot-note be going too far do you think6?
6Not that that would have been one, of course. This one is, though. The reader is left to infer for themselves the degree to which the author really values their opinion....
7Yeah, I've always been a little luke-warm on that one. I suppose if I had to score it out of 10 (on an opinion-ometer, if you will) I'd give it about a 5.673. Incidentally, are all of these foot-notes giving you a head-ache yet? I'd hate to think I was going to all this trouble and you weren't getting a head-ache....
8Note the way I put that digression into a set of brackets rather than a foot-note? Yeah, I relented on my desire to wreak destruction on your head. Oh, wait.... bugger. Sorry.
9Nooooooooo! And I thought Dostoevsky finished chapters with cliff-hangers! Why must this tortured genius leave me in such gooey anticipation for the next installment? Why must life be so cruel? Never since Shakespeare have we witnessed a genius more deserving of the license he takes in breaking all rules of spelling, grammar and punctuation!
10I recall, with shame, my own clumsy attempt at conveying such an epiphanous tale....
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2 comments:
Today I waited for two buses for agest, then two came at once. But one of them was full, so it was okay
This is by far my favourite.
This was a good blog entry, a return to the old high MYBLOGISANOTHERBLOG standard.
You will be pleased to know that for many minutes after I finished reading this post, my mind was a mess. Sam was saying something to me but it sounded just like a string of words, each one unconnected with the preceding one.
I see that my conclusion that your posts were products of babelfish was not doing you justice. You see, if your posts came from babelfish, they would resemble a postmodernist essay and be quite obviously affected nonsense. Your post however is a thoroughly convincing portrayal of madness. Each sentence is just on the verge of being a coherent thought and the flow of ideas are so disjointed that one can only wonder about the health of a mind that could connected such disparate thoughts.
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