A call to arms

It is a little-known fact that I have, in my time, seen an awful lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer¹. Indeed, having derived a good many moral lessons from the Buff-meister, imagine my surprise to find that almost all contemporary social problems in Australia are of a surprisingly similar cause to that of the supernatural activity in this show.

Sunnydale was, of course, situated above the hell-mouth which, in a climactic final episode the high drama of which has yet to be equaled by any human endeavor, was finally sealed shut thus ending the woes of that fair dale. Australia, it seems dear reader, has a hell-mouth of its own².

THIS GATE MUST BE SEALED!!!!!

If someone else could see their way clear to bringing all the explosives and shit, I'll provide the nibblys.

¹This being due to the solid scripts and directing, and having nothing whatsoever to do with my wanting to bone Sarah Michelle Gellar. SCURRILOUS LIES!!!!!

²Damn it, Ben, if you're not going to put in that shameless plug this time .... I will.<sup>*

*</sup>Oh, wait.... you just re-plugged. Ah, well, in any case, this action allows for a new milestone on this blog .... a footnote to a footnote!!!

There are times when no cock joke can be as funny as reality

I have to admit that I struggled a little with this one .... Up until fairly recently, my blog hasn't been the kind that finds funny/quirky stuff on the internet and points it out to people. Largely because I'm just not very good at it, but also because I've come to realise that what people are really after when they visit my blog is, as often as not, a borderline non-sensical rant about some completely pointless issue. This means that when I do find something I'd like to link to I feel a duty to embellish it a little.... but in the case of a story titled Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital, well, what the cock is there to add?

I thought at first that I might just fill a post with single/double cock-entendre action ... but, well, I feel I've already kind of blown my load on that front. Possibly, I thought I might just give a blow by blow account of the story, but it's fair to say that there is something of a premature climax to any article which opens with the sentence:

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

I suppose I'll I'd like to add to this is that, given the seriousness of the issue:

"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

I am appalled at the insensitivity of Kinshasa police chief Jean-Dieudonne Oleko:

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said.

For Chris

I weep. Perhaps Abraham Lincholn said best what I now wish to convey when he said the following¹:

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.

In a show of solidarity with Chris, I post the following video:


I would urge other bloggers to do the same so that we may usher in a new era of humanity where our differences may be settled not by war or conflict, but by a simple viewing of .... the video. Surely there can be none among us who can view this and not be left staring off into a point in space feeling that all is right with the universe.

¹Thankyou, X-men 2......

The hardest logic puzzle ever....

....is this, apparently. The problem being phrased there as follows:

Three gods A, B, and C are called, in some order, True, False, and Random. True always speaks truly, False always speaks falsely, but whether Random speaks truly or falsely is a completely random matter. Your task is to determine the identities of A, B, and C by asking three yes-no questions; each question must be put to exactly one god. The gods understand English, but will answer all questions in their own language, in which the words for yes and no are 'da' and 'ja', in some order. You do not know which word means which.

You can find various solutions on the page, so I won't detail the ones I came up with, exactly (the second of which being, I think not dissimilar to those found on wikipedia), in case you haven't seen it before and want to try and solve it yourself. I'm curious, though, about the following. To begin with, as a 'warm-up', I just attempted to find three questions that would work if the three gods spoke English. Having done so, the following thought occured to me: Why not just ask precisely these questions with "If 'ja' meant 'yes' and .." as a pre-amble to each of them. This thought shat me .... Do you think this is cheating? Settle (or at least expand upon) a discussion for me.

Human-chimpanzee wrestling: discuss

As we all watch the dust settle from that smack-down we're probably all asking ourselves the same questions. How did it come to this? Who even won? Well, imagine I'm affecting the cold, disaffected cynicism of a seasoned war veteran as I suck down on the tail-end of a cigarette before tossing it away in an off-hand manner, staring off into the distance and saying "there were no winners here today ...... but I can tell you who lost. The biggest loser here today was human dignity". This makes for a neat segue which allows me to post on the front page the chimpanzee wrestling video I mentioned in the comments to the previous posts .... I feel it belongs there..... I feel I need to bring it to that vast untapped audience of three or so people who read all the comments for that last post but couldn't have been arsed clicking on all the links.



As you were, people.

Smack-down, would you?

Hmmmmm....... it has come to my attention, dear reader, that I just got served¹. Much like Chris, I'm currently at Uni where ( also much like Chris) I don't have any access to sound I don't bring with me². This means that I haven't actually heard what the child in his video is saying. I can guess though...... Small child makes all manner of cutsie-pie mis-understandings and plot simplifications while an appreciative audience goes "aw", right?

Anyways, while many people would probably argue that I should go and listen to the damn thing before I reply, this would unfortunately contravene the regulations of good internet smack-down ettiquette - which calls for a rapid response. So, I'll just say this. You want cute mother fucker? I'll give you cute......

Take that:



...... and this!



And ........ that!



You sew the wind, Chris......

¹ Oh no he didn't....

²My internet connection is faster, though, so narnie narnie woop woop.

I &hearts Elephants

I like elephants. I have always liked elephants. As corroborating evidence, I point to the fact that when I had to think of something to put as a gratuitous random picture 2 posts ago, I went straight to the elephant entry of Wikipedia. I bring this up because there is a cool video of an elephant I am about to post, and I don't want people to think that I'm jumping on the "I ♥ elephants" band-wagon because it now seems cool. Here it is:



Having said that, I ♥ Youtube comment posters ..... I will say no more.