It has come to my attention that my blog is not deep, and has too few pictures. Well. In order that you can further appreciate that I'm here for you, oh plebeian post purveyor, I present you with the following. Firstly, a gratuitous picture of an elephant:
Scary legal-type licensing language compels me to inform you that the original source of this photo is here, and that it was taken by nickandmel20061. Thanks nickandmel2006. I have decided I shall name this elephant Gerolamo in honour of mathematics' answer to Che Guevara. Gerolamo is, according to wikipedia, a member of the superfamily Elephantoidea. You thought the Corleone's were a force to be reckoned with? Maybe the Packers? Nuh uh. Elephantoidea is a superfamily. They will fuck you up.
Secondly, it would appear, dear reader, that members of my flock are hurting. Others still, it seems, have developed a nasty strain of mental illness. In this time of crisis I would like to offer my almost-Dr-Phil-like services. Firstly to Dave, I offer two points of advice: 1. No song has ever been rescued by being played on the bagpipes. The best most pieces of music can hope to do is survive the transition. The bagpipes were invented by the Irish, who on behalf of the rest of humanity fooled the Scots into adopting them as revenge for golf. 2. The instrument has yet to be invented that can rescue John Farnam, though at least one instrument exists to rescue us from him. Human ingenuity only goes so far!!! I'm sorry, man. Listen to Chris. Let it go. Secondly, to Anita: there, there toots. Better now? Kthnx.
I hereby further offer my services a-la Agony Aunt to the rest of humanity, or at least those 5 or so of them who are likely to read this.
I hereby further offer my services a-la Agony Aunt to the rest of humanity, or at least those 5 or so of them who are likely to read this.
1 If that is your real name......
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24 comments:
Oh please Fitz, help me next!
I am flawless so my blog didn't get a mention.
No song has ever been rescued by being played on the bagpipes. The best most pieces of music can hope to do is survive the transition.
While perhaps accepting the first point and disagreeing on the second, they don't actually mean that You're the Voice is a bad song. If, for the sake of argument, we accept the proposition that "The best most pieces of music can hope to do is survive the transition", then I would put You're the Voice in that minority of songs that can be improved by bagpipes.
Also, even without bagpipes, You're the Voice is still pretty good, so it didn't need rescuing.
Ah, Geoff, I said Dr Phil-like powers...... I didn't say god-like powers...... but since you ask, I will say this. the time you posted corresponds nicely to the time you woke up, yes? You might want to stop that shit. Imagine I am taking a finger, placing it in my mouth, then placing it on my arm and going "tssssssss".
Chris, chris, chris. You post that on the same day as posting this? Clearly you have unresolved issues about your father. Call me.
I'm sorry, Dave, I can't help you until you admit you have a problem....
A) Fitz, who died and made you Dr. Phil?
B) Since when is 'toots' a word used by you? Is that language something you picked up in NZ? I knew they were still in the 50s.
C) I refuse help from someone who calls me toots.
D) You can stick your toots.
E) I have resolved my issues, see the same link you posted!
Ah, Anita...... I can see my decision to walk the Earth a-la Jules from Pulp Fiction will be a thankless task.....
A) I am merely a disciple of the wise one..... I am not he. You can call me "Uncle Fitz", if you like, though.
B) Difficult to say..... perhaps it began in my days as a P.I. in fair old Newark.....
C) & D) Such sentiments are beneath you, sweet cheeks.
E) Have you? Have you really? There's an awful lot of hostility coming across there, Doll-face.
Have you ever wondered what Fitz would have been like if he became a singer/song-writer. Wonder no longer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdQ-BVG4ZHg
ok.
A) Wha'eva. Imagine me moving my head in the appropriate manner contrary to my hand motion.
B, C, D) Oh look, Fitz has discovered condescending slang for woman. Turns out he's using them on me because I'm the only girl he knows
E) I again refer to http://maewfannwr.livejournal.com/27143.html.
In particular note where it says "I's not having issus no more".
Oh, I'll show you hostility. Just you watch.
Dear Aunt Fitz,
I find marking really boring. At the moment I deal with this by either not doing it (I just give them 10/10 and everybody's happy) or by doing a really half assed job.
Do you have any other suggestions?
Aimless in Arizona
You make, Anita, for an interesting case study. Traditionally (according to the Kubler-Fitz model) there are 5 stages of issus management, which are as follows:
A) Denial (see your point E)
B) Anger
C) Insulting Fitz
D) Pretending to be Queen Latifah.
E) Acceptance of the fact that you're just a dysfunctional mess who will always have issus.
It's quite rare to experience so many simultaneously..... I suggest you try valium and a bottle of whisky.
Dear Aimless in Arizona,
You need to make a game out of it. I suggest that each week, the students whose assignments were the easiest to mark get to vote out of the class one of the students whose assignments were the hardest to mark. A bonus to this scheme is that you get to dress up like a pirate and talk in a pompous fashion whilst you hold these peons in the iron grip of your petty dictatorship. There's an added bonus if you get a television channel interested!
If this doesn't work, you could always find some cash-strapped but talented member of your class to mark them for half of what you get paid. This is, in effect, just passing down the line what the lecturer is doing to you.
B) You mistook frustration for anger. And once again,
A) I repeat that I solved my issues. They were maths related. I fixed the problem. Do you want me to send you the pdf with the proof?
C) Insulting Fitz being a symptom of issues is like a headache being a symptom of anything.
D) I've been doing the "Wha'eva" thing for years. That's mine, dammit. She stole it from me.
E) I notice you didn't rebut the girl comment. That makes it true. Neh :P
F) ISLAY MALT WON'T REPLY TO MY SUPERLATIVE!!!!!!
Also, I like Aunt Fitz. That is now your name. Thanks Martin :D
Hmmm... modern feminist theory, Anita, considers the word "toots" to be empowering.
It would appear that your case is more serious than I had thought.... Not only are you making complaints about the failure of a fictitious entity to respond to a superlative, but you have delusions of Latifah grandeur..... In addition you have concocted some proof as cover for your deep-seated abandonment issues resulting from a breakdown in communications with your inner child.......
Yes, I'm not sure that the valium and whisky will be enough..... what's called for here is a frontal lobotomy post haste!
Also, in response to Geoff's scurrilous insinuation that my blog is naught but a vehicle for cheap ass jokes it is with deep regret that I say that no matter how much I post, it would seem that I am doomed to find every month that my 'rate my ass' entry is the most commonly viewed page.
Was that cheap-ass jokes or cheap ass-jokes?
How can you tell that the issus I referred to were to do with my inner child? HOW DID YOU KNOW?!
A little from column A, a little from.....
Hmmmm... so you, like the mighty Jabba before you, must learn not to under-estimate my powers.
Andrew, your post is great. The post that mainly talked about an elephant and ended up starting "The 2008 Blog Wars" in the comments. Unfortunately for me, my blog does not contain personal insights and life observations just crap I copy from other places (then whore in the comments of other blogs). Perhaps I will change this so I can become part of the Blog Wars.
Yes.... also, Ben you were clearly not praised often enough as a child. Your shamless blog-plugging may come across as exhibitionism to some but I can see through it.......
You are discovering some of my secret shames.
I want to buy some gumboots so I can play in pud muddles. Thank you Auntie Fitz!
I guess it was more fun when I was indignant. Toots is not empowering, no matter what Stan Zemanek has told you.
This isn't about fun, Anita ...... it's about healing, personal development, elephants and ass jokes.
I'd hoped you would have seen that by now....
There you go Fitz, your google-whoring has earned you some spam.
Hiya Barb!! Good to hear from you!! Yeah, so I just got back from returning the Geese, Orangutans and midgets to the zoo. What a crazy weekend!!
So, thanks for getting back to me about your zany money-making scheme. I'm hoping to hear from Albert, Coco and Yoyo about those links they mentioned for penis-enlargement, cheap viagra and that Nigerian money-making scam....
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