How To: Cheat on the New Zealand Driver's Theory Test

Google whoring is easy, it's fun and allows you to bask in self-importance with every visit to the slick graphs of your google analytics portfolio. Every now and then, though, you notice that someone out there came to your site due to a serious issue, but your blog let them down. While once I would have been inclined to let such a happenstance slide, I can do so no longer. After my previous post I have come to realise, dear reader, that I have a great power.... and after seeing Spiderman, I know that with great power comes great responsibility¹.

Anyway, whilst perusing the various misspellings of the word 'testicle' that people used to find their way here via google², I noticed the following keyword search: "cheat nz driver theory test".

Whoever you are, oh nameless study-hater, you did not come to the right place then, but damn-it you have now. I will run you through a few obvious strategies.

1. Make wild guesses. Pros: The probability of passing in such a scheme is not zero. Cons: It's pretty close. If you sat around 6480500300000000 tests, you'd expect one of them to be a pass. It fails in the cost-benefit analysis, I'm afraid.
   
2. When unsure of the answer, cunningly rub off enough of the scratchy-coverings of a guess to see whether or not there's a cross or a tick underneath. Pros: There are a finite set of answers, so you'll definitely find the right answer in finite time. Cons: Any question for which any covering is removed from more than one answer is automatically marked wrong. The AA have thwarted this masterly scheme, don't try it!!!
3. They ask you to hand your bag in, if you're carrying one, but they don't check your pockets. Nor do they supervise the test particularly stringently. Put a cheat sheet in your pocket. There are practice questions in the back of the Road Code book, and if you look up the answers to all of them and write them down you'd be unlucky to get more than three in the real test that aren't near identical to one of them. Pros: I can almost guarantee a pass, here. Cons: There are 250 questions in the back of that book. If you go through each one of them, look up the answer and painstakingly write it down on a piece of paper and haven't learned enough in so doing to pass the frigging test without it you need more help than I can offer here.
4. Get someone else to sit it for you. Pros: It's not your fault if they fail. Cons: They may not be smarter than you. Also, there's some serious and tricky identity fraud involved that falls beyond the scope of this "how to" guide. Wait for the next one.
5. Scratch any old crap off of the test and hand it to the marker. While his attention is on the test you thock him over the back of the head with a blunt object and assign your own grade. Pros: You'll "ace" the test. Cons: It's difficult to imagine a scenario in which you can do this and fail to get arrested. It's all down to how important passing the test is relative to how crap you are at memorising a few fecking road rules.
6. Give strategy 1 a shot but, if it doesn't work out you hand the test in, fail it but dispute the results in a court of law. Pros: You'll get to posture about in a court-room. You can pretend to be Deny Crane from Boston Legal and go through your "case" with Shatner-esque pathos. Cons: There's no way in hell it'll work. You'll get thrown out of court and possibly incur some kind of penalty for wasting its time.
7. Beg. Pros: .......? Cons: It won't work. What dignity you, who are looking up how to cheat a friggin learner's permit test, can be said to have will disappear like smoke.
   

All in all, the only strategy I can really recommend is #3. Should you choose to go through it in its entirety, can I just say Congratulations! You have passed the test, even if you do fail as a human being......

¹I can only be grateful to the insights of Stan Lee, here. Thanks to him, for me, Uncle Ben didn't need to die.

²I am gripped with a sudden hope that I will see a 'misspellings of the word testicle' in my keyword list at some point in the future. Just quietly, though, Martin... you're the only person I know in Tuscon Arizona ... I'll know if it was you.