On Why The Dentist Must Die

O.K. So, it's occured to me that my blog has essentially become the blog about nothing. I've eased off adding to it of late, perhaps hoping to have something meaty, deep and profound to add. Instead, all I really have to report is that over the last two weeks or so I have developed a messianic hatred of the dentist on the other side of the wall from my desk. This is perhaps a lie. Not the hatred bit - that's perfectly true¹- but I suppose I could be reporting other things also. There is, as it happens for instance, a very good hole-in-the-wall cafe just down the road I discovered in the last week which completely invalidates my previous post². This has left me happy that I can now purchase a hot liquid that leaves me convinced, upon tasting it, that it was derived originally from coffee beans and not the testicles of a diseased rodent. This has also made me a bit annoyed that I've lost a perfectly good topic to rant about³.

Another important milestone in my life I feel I should tell you all about is my discovery of the curried prawn pie, which can be purchased from a dodgy-looking pie⁴ shop a few metres away from the office. The curried prawn pie is, I feel, an invention of genious⁵ to rival that of the wheel, sliced bread and the baby's dummy⁶. I mean, seriously, think about it. Firstly, prawn meat is a hell of a lot tastier than the usual pie-filling fare. But the real kicker is the curried nature of the pie. A major problem with your standard meat pie is that they are expected to be an in-expensive food-stuff and are yet also expected to be filled with beef which is, nowadays, not actually that cheap. So how does the vendor make a profit? By filling the pie with those portions of the cow that John West Rejected, that's how. The curried prawn pie on the other hand is filled with a few prawns and a cheap, presumably vegetable-based curry-sauce type filling infused with a prawny flavour. I mean, seriousy people - GENIOUS⁷. You get your cheap much tastier pie safe in the knowledge that you're not eating intestine and hoof.

Anyways, back to the dentist. I am convinced that it has become his purpose in life to drive me insane⁸. The man's waiting room lies, as I have previously mentioned, just on the other side of the wall against which the monitor I spend my rather dreary day staring at sits. He plays really loud music into this waiting room. Music which is generally of such a calibre as I am convinced he does it to convince his patients that the experience of their scheduled root-canal is actually downright pleasant by comparison. The patients, however, get to leave⁹. I, on the other hand, have to stay there all fucking day. I ask you, dear reader, is there a jury in the land that would convict me for his long, drawn-out murder? Well, O.K. so yes, yes there is. Probably all of them, come to that. Since I may be forced to do it anyway, I'd just like to put in a request to any interested party that they act as a character witness at my trial. Thanks.

¹I'm actually considering arranging subtle hints to Lorenz that it was the dentist in question, and not I, who ate his noodles then letting nature take its course. Well that, or bursting into his office with an axe yelling "here's Johnny!". Helena should take this as a subtle hint to re-send the Stanley Kubrick quiz link on facebook, as I've just decided I'll give it a try. She should take the previous sentence as an explicit request to that end.

² Though not all of it, in as much as statistics didn't suddenly get interesting overnight. Actually, there is a rather interesting post to be had in elaborating on just what exactly I've come to realise the purpose of my current post is. I'll leave this as a 'Gabbo is coming' style teaser to hide the fact that the revelation in question, when it comes, would have otherwise not really been all that interesting if you were to sit down and think about it for too long.

³I've actually considered, in my idle moments (of which there are many) whether or not it might be a good idea to burn this cafe to the ground. I'm also just now considering whether or not I should shoot for a post in which most of the content is to be found in the footnotes. As to the former consideration, I rather think my motivation may be a little difficult to adequately communicate in a court of law. As to the latter..... we'll see how it goes, yeah?

⁴ I say this, of course, not to denigrate the pie shop. Decent pies cannot, in my experience, be purchased from non-dodgy-looking pie shops. Note the gratuitous attempt here to get footnote text to over-take main text.

⁵This misspelling has been deliberately left uncorrected to allow me to place another footnote.

⁶ The ultimate in a win-win situation. You want the baby to shut the fuck up, and the baby wants to suck something. Seriously, the dummy is a work of genius. And why the fuck am I trying so hard here, anyways? The footnotes are clearly ahead.

⁷ This time I've purposefully misspelled the word for the same reasons the last instance of it was left uncorrected.

⁸ I rather think he's not the only person I know who's adopted this goal either, lately.

⁹ Luck bastards. This probably really should have been placed in the main text, hey? Also, the previous sentence was clearly unnecessary. As was the last one. Oh, and that one too. Maybe I'm taking this footnote thing too far......