DREAM SEQUENCE
It is election night, if a little hazier around the edges of our vision. Bob is by a TV set in a small beach house in between a banana plantation and the ocean. He is wearing only a pair of Bananas in Pyjamas boxer shorts, gum boots and his trade-mark hat. He is holding a remote in one hand, a beer in the other. Kerry O'Brien1 is presently announcing ".... thrusting Bob Katter into a position of kingmaker".
Bob switches the TV off, nodding. "Bob Katter!" he says, with conviction, before reclining back in his chair and throwing his head back to take a hefty swig of his beer.
A knife darts in front of his now-exposed throat. Panning out, we see a small Filipino man in a wet-suit, his face concealed. "We burn banans now, Kat Kat, you big gayfaglol!" he says.
Bob's face contorts into a snarl as he responds. "You picked the wrong beach this time, Kimosabe..."
As if in answer, there is a low, deep, blood-curdling howl in the distance.
Outside, we see a small surfaced submarine flying the Filipino flag and rocking around in newly disturbed sea. We make out a panicked voice slightly distorted by radio static. "Large object come in fast, general Makabulos!". The wave immediately behind the sub appears to form a giant pair of fruit bat wings.....
Focus back on Bob Katter, who is laughing maniacally. Enraged, our wet-suited Makabulos forces the knife into Katter's throat....
Bob snaps awake. He is sitting on the toilet holding the latest copy of Mt Isa Bush Pig. There is a knocking at the door as a feminine (but very Ocker) voice enquires "Mr Katter?". "Strewth, hang on a tick, Gillard, Bob's on the job...." he replies. The voice becomes more insistent "Mr Katter!". "I told you, Bobs on the....."
Bob switches the TV off, nodding. "Bob Katter!" he says, with conviction, before reclining back in his chair and throwing his head back to take a hefty swig of his beer.
A knife darts in front of his now-exposed throat. Panning out, we see a small Filipino man in a wet-suit, his face concealed. "We burn banans now, Kat Kat, you big gayfaglol!" he says.
Bob's face contorts into a snarl as he responds. "You picked the wrong beach this time, Kimosabe..."
As if in answer, there is a low, deep, blood-curdling howl in the distance.
Outside, we see a small surfaced submarine flying the Filipino flag and rocking around in newly disturbed sea. We make out a panicked voice slightly distorted by radio static. "Large object come in fast, general Makabulos!". The wave immediately behind the sub appears to form a giant pair of fruit bat wings.....
Focus back on Bob Katter, who is laughing maniacally. Enraged, our wet-suited Makabulos forces the knife into Katter's throat....
Bob snaps awake. He is sitting on the toilet holding the latest copy of Mt Isa Bush Pig. There is a knocking at the door as a feminine (but very Ocker) voice enquires "Mr Katter?". "Strewth, hang on a tick, Gillard, Bob's on the job...." he replies. The voice becomes more insistent "Mr Katter!". "I told you, Bobs on the....."
Bob snaps awake again. He is in Canberra, in the office of Prime Minister Julia Gillard2.
We focus on Gillard's face. "Could we focus on the ..... job, here, Bob?"
Katter: Musta dozed off, there.... you were saying something about bananas?
Gillard: Well, I wasn't....... but while we're on the topic why don't we shoot down to point 16. Bob, I just don't think that you've thought that one through.
Katter: Which part?
Gillard: Well.... for starters, even if they couldn't count on some degree of international support and us.... none.... the Philippines has quite a substantial standing army. And ..... well, they're just bananas, Bob.
Katter: Just bananas? Look. You've killed off manufacturing in this country, you've killed off agriculture. You're trying to kill mining and porn... all we've got left are bananas!
Gillard: .... we're going to have to say no to the 'Bob Katter bridge to nowhere3' and orchestrating a joint Australia-US naval bombardment on ...... "Fruit-bat-zilla", too, Bob. We might be able to move on farm subsidies, though.
We can just make out a sharp, muffled "communist" emanating from a cabinet directly behind Gillard. Gillard motions Wayne Swan to the cabinet with an economical motion of her head. Upon opening the cabinet a large-eared figure leaps out in a vision of startled kung-fu fury. Swan leaps back in fright. Waking up to himself, Tony Abbott4 straightens first his posture, then his tie.
Abbott (coughing): Ah, hello Bob.
Gillard: Tony, this isn't exactly what I'd call professional.
We can just make out a sharp, muffled "communist" emanating from a cabinet directly behind Gillard. Gillard motions Wayne Swan to the cabinet with an economical motion of her head. Upon opening the cabinet a large-eared figure leaps out in a vision of startled kung-fu fury. Swan leaps back in fright. Waking up to himself, Tony Abbott4 straightens first his posture, then his tie.
Abbott (coughing): Ah, hello Bob.
Gillard: Tony, this isn't exactly what I'd call professional.
To be continued.............
1George Clooney?
2Tilda Swinton
3I got her in, Chris! I got her in!!!!
4Ben Stiller.
Posts
8 comments:
why don't we shoot down to point 16.
Point 16. "Equal rates of government-funded parental assistance for working mothers and stay-at-home mums as well."
Poetic license!!! Reptile!!!! Heretic!!!!
I giggled at the "Bob Katter bridge to nowhere". And also most other places. Fitz, you're an odd fellow, but you write a good blog.
Will this ongoing saga of Bob Katter eventually surpass that of Henry Kissinger and the Vaginal Orgasm???
Stay tuned to My Blog Is Another Blog.
I suspect real events may end up surpassing it in strangeness, Chris.
On the real list, though.... It's a little funny how Bolt, for instance, after bemoaning the irresponsibility of Wilke's list and the Greens deal, says absolutely nothing on how bat-shit crazy a lot of Katter's list is.
Well, he's linked to this, now, so I guess I have to apologise to Bolt again..... dagnammit.
Commenting thre times in a row doesn't count as getting your comment count up.
That did, though, Chris. That did.
Post a Comment