Left-leaning social engineering gone MAD!!!1

Look. So, let's just get out of the way the rather reasonable premise that what two (or more) consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is no business of you or I. This is, I feel, a principle even the Bill O'Riellys among us must pay at least lip service to..... and where Bill leads, dear reader, I follow. But .... when a group of pomo, "progressive", pinko, cafe-latte-mixed-with-chardonnay-in-a-bucket swilling, chattering class elites claim the right of certain individuals to force their lifestyle choice upon an innocent child .... well it's then that decent, hard-working Americans Australians such as you and I need to stand up and be counted. Especially when this lifestyle choice represents an abomination in the eyes of GOD himself².

Which brings us to the case in question, involving a homosexual couple who identify themselves only as 'Roy' and 'Silo'³. Roy and Silo made a lifestyle choice, dear reader. And fair enough, says I. I mean, if they want to condemn themselves to eternal damnation well, that's just their choice. Unfortunately, however, those social engineers on the left (represented here by one Robert Gramzay, may this fag-enabler burn in HELL!!!!) just had to step in, didn't they? They gave Roy and Silo a child to raise. Yeah, that's right buddy, a poor innocent child. It's time the silent majority stood up to be counted here, and declared that enough, dear reader, is ENOUGH!!!! According to no lesser authority than GOD himself, children should be raised by a father and a mother. Yeah, you heard me Gramzay. Give my regards to Satan when you see him.

Roy and Silo .... or possibly Squawk and Milo shamelessly
flaunting their unholy relationship in the fag-enabling
pit that is Manhattan.... Cute penguins? Or an abomination before
god himself? I'll be the judge.........

¹Let's see if this one works, hey.....

²Such as, say, the heinous decision to subsist on shellfish. And don't kid yourself, buddy, such sick individuals are out there.

³Or is it 'Squawk' and 'Milo'? I'm confused. Not happy, Scientific American.

I'd like to talk to you about Sweden1

Australia, as I'm sure you're all aware, has seen fit to go about purchasing billions of dollars worth of sleek, aerodynamic, awe-inspiring killing machines with money we could otherwise have ploughed into education, health, supporting under-privileged combinatorics PhD students² or .... I don't know ..... something we might actually end up using. Now, I'm wise enough in the ways of the world³ to realise that we're just never going to get over this desire to have cool tanks, ships and planes and shit .... so instead I've been thinking about something we could actually do with them.

Is there, I thought to myself, a nation on earth of such pure, unadulterated evil that invasion (or at the very least bombing back into the stone age) just for shits and giggles could be seen as justifiable, nay morally obligatory? It occurred to me, dear reader, that in fact such a country not only exists, but has been insidiously veiling its perfidy for years now with a cloak of high living standards, low crime-rates, silly accents and bad music⁴. I'm talking about Sweden, people.... Sweden⁵. They gave the world ABBA, and we said nothing - for we do not watch the Eurovision^TM song contest. They gave the world IKEA^TM - and again we said nothing, for no-one is man enough to admit that they have a small collection of strange post-construction-superfluous connective plastic thingies they hope like hell are not essential to the well-being of their cabinet. Then they gave us Hälge ... and there was nothing much to say, really. Would we stand alone, dear reader? I think not. I submit that the maiden mission for our shiny new F35s is clear......

Figure 1: proposed bombing route sticking to international
airspace and avoiding national boundaries⁶

¹You see, dear reader, it's occurred to me that Google whoring is for losers. I've decided to try my hand at a little crazies trawling. And methinks that the true crazy is of a mind to post first, read footnotes later.

²You think all of those multi-coloured pens and 3 hour lunches at 5 in the afternoon pay for themselves? Ask Geoff.... they don't. In fact, after this post I shall look into an 'sponsor a combinatorist' scheme. I submit that there is no heart so hard as to be supplied with Geoff's downcast visage and not give generously.

³Honest....

⁴Yeah, you heard me Dave. For Abba alone must the Swedes die....

⁵I'd just like to take this moment to forestall a few scurrilous insinuations. This maniacal desire of mine to pluck Sweden clean from the stream of history has nothing at all to do with the fact that a Swede kept me awake last night .... and not in a good way. I spit on such theories, sir, with the phlegm of righteousness.

⁶Norway doesn't count.

Here's hoping Tristan Dunning vanity searches.....

I have been recently surprised, dear reader, to hear the details of a brief exchange which took place on the evening of friday 20/6. Sensitive as I am to my civic duties, and in order to preserve the privacy of the individuals involved I shall refer to the first individual merely as "Person A". As for the second ... I shall refer to them only as "Tristan Dunning". The exchange itself, then, dear reader, went roughly as follows.

Person A: Hi, so I heard about that article you're going to have published ... congratulations!

Tristan Dunning: Why are you talking to me? I don't speak whore.

Of course, there are many levels on which this exchange appeared, at first sight, perplexing to me. In the first instance, the sentence structure was significantly more sophisticated than I would have thought possible from Mr Dunning¹. I suppose, however, that where this exchange was truly world-view-changing for me was in as much as up until now I had been under the impression that, at some point in his life, Tristan had had sex. Assuming, then, that he is speaking the truth ...... this exchange begs a very real question: How? Was a translator involved? Do they communicate merely by his repeatedly placing fifties into their outstretched palms until reluctant acquiescence is achieved?

To any that can answer this most mind-boggling of conundrums, I offer a gold star and a chocolate frog.

¹Indeed, while I was not necessarily surprised to learn of his inability to speak whore, it was certainly something of an eye-opener that he could speak English that well.....

How To: Cheat on the New Zealand Driver's Theory Test

Google whoring is easy, it's fun and allows you to bask in self-importance with every visit to the slick graphs of your google analytics portfolio. Every now and then, though, you notice that someone out there came to your site due to a serious issue, but your blog let them down. While once I would have been inclined to let such a happenstance slide, I can do so no longer. After my previous post I have come to realise, dear reader, that I have a great power.... and after seeing Spiderman, I know that with great power comes great responsibility¹.

Anyway, whilst perusing the various misspellings of the word 'testicle' that people used to find their way here via google², I noticed the following keyword search: "cheat nz driver theory test".

Whoever you are, oh nameless study-hater, you did not come to the right place then, but damn-it you have now. I will run you through a few obvious strategies.

1. Make wild guesses. Pros: The probability of passing in such a scheme is not zero. Cons: It's pretty close. If you sat around 6480500300000000 tests, you'd expect one of them to be a pass. It fails in the cost-benefit analysis, I'm afraid.
   
2. When unsure of the answer, cunningly rub off enough of the scratchy-coverings of a guess to see whether or not there's a cross or a tick underneath. Pros: There are a finite set of answers, so you'll definitely find the right answer in finite time. Cons: Any question for which any covering is removed from more than one answer is automatically marked wrong. The AA have thwarted this masterly scheme, don't try it!!!
3. They ask you to hand your bag in, if you're carrying one, but they don't check your pockets. Nor do they supervise the test particularly stringently. Put a cheat sheet in your pocket. There are practice questions in the back of the Road Code book, and if you look up the answers to all of them and write them down you'd be unlucky to get more than three in the real test that aren't near identical to one of them. Pros: I can almost guarantee a pass, here. Cons: There are 250 questions in the back of that book. If you go through each one of them, look up the answer and painstakingly write it down on a piece of paper and haven't learned enough in so doing to pass the frigging test without it you need more help than I can offer here.
4. Get someone else to sit it for you. Pros: It's not your fault if they fail. Cons: They may not be smarter than you. Also, there's some serious and tricky identity fraud involved that falls beyond the scope of this "how to" guide. Wait for the next one.
5. Scratch any old crap off of the test and hand it to the marker. While his attention is on the test you thock him over the back of the head with a blunt object and assign your own grade. Pros: You'll "ace" the test. Cons: It's difficult to imagine a scenario in which you can do this and fail to get arrested. It's all down to how important passing the test is relative to how crap you are at memorising a few fecking road rules.
6. Give strategy 1 a shot but, if it doesn't work out you hand the test in, fail it but dispute the results in a court of law. Pros: You'll get to posture about in a court-room. You can pretend to be Deny Crane from Boston Legal and go through your "case" with Shatner-esque pathos. Cons: There's no way in hell it'll work. You'll get thrown out of court and possibly incur some kind of penalty for wasting its time.
7. Beg. Pros: .......? Cons: It won't work. What dignity you, who are looking up how to cheat a friggin learner's permit test, can be said to have will disappear like smoke.
   

All in all, the only strategy I can really recommend is #3. Should you choose to go through it in its entirety, can I just say Congratulations! You have passed the test, even if you do fail as a human being......

¹I can only be grateful to the insights of Stan Lee, here. Thanks to him, for me, Uncle Ben didn't need to die.

²I am gripped with a sudden hope that I will see a 'misspellings of the word testicle' in my keyword list at some point in the future. Just quietly, though, Martin... you're the only person I know in Tuscon Arizona ... I'll know if it was you.

A Brief Google-whoring Update

These are quirky newish ones. I'm not necessarily going by volume. I wouldn't want you to think that I'm no longer getting large numbers of "rate my " type searches, because I am. Ahem.

1. Harry Kinsman. Now my second-highest referral search. I was going to say "thanks guys" about this one but closer inspection reveals that I should really say "thanks Martin".
2. Mc Pooh. Don't kid yourselves, this home-boy has a fan base.
3. testicles blog. Here's hoping this doesn't exist.......
4. Rate my ass man. Your ass man? Everybody knows there's only one ass man.....
5. coffee statistics. My apologies on way-laying your legitimate search, sir.
6. sexy mathematician(s) :)
7. "it's high time i" wow, what a disappointment you received....
8. another name for a frog Might I suggest Ethel?
9. funny trivia names cumming yeah, right up to the last word I might have been able to help you out, there....
10. google whoring how very 4th wall.....
11. i can put a picture on my rate my cock profile Yes, yes you can....
12. meaning for sole teammate I hope you found it...... I sure didn't.
13. my cock is located on my back sound byte so, apart from the fact that the word you wanted was "bite" ..... I'm genuinely lost for words. Congratulations!
14. nondescript blog names Should I be insulted?
15. ode to someone leaving aw....
16. petty theft in ca/ forum 2007 hmmm....
17. testicle boy photo Oh. My. God.
18. touch nose tell poker meaning Oh, that's easy. It means the player has an itchy nose.
19. where to put my cock It's a free country, sir, you can put it where you like....
20. where can you buy a ben 10 wock Given the obvious reasons this came here, it's pretty funny.....
21. winnie poo and beaver Yeah, he never got any..... he was only ever interested in honey.
    

Success!!!!!

It's high time I put my cock where my mouth is ....

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Hail the conquering heroes, and what the cock is wrong with GA?

In the spirit of my 'only blog trivia when you kick arse or suck balls'¹ maxim, allow me to report the greatest performance ever achieved by a trivia team (with me in it) at Harry's since the Gaussian eliminators somehow won the fucking thing the second time they went there. That's right, dear reader, it is my august privilege and sombre duty to inform you that our team somehow managed to beat every other team playing Harry's trivia last night. Trounced them, I say old chap. We kicked nine colours of shit out of them, Charlotte. We was awesome.

This achievement should, I feel, be in no way sullied by the fact that the statement is trivially true ....... on account of trivia not actually occurring last night due to flooding. Sure you might also just as well say that we were beaten by every other team to play last night too. You might say that. But if that's the kind of 'glass half empty' defeatist attitude you're going to carry around with you in life like an albatross chained to your neck, well, you can just sod off home with your negative vibes and leave my blog in peace, OK?

In other news, google analytics is informing me that I have had no visitors at all from the 1st-5th of February. Which, given comments posted, is clearly false. It appears that god continues to punish me to satisfy his petty vindictive urges.

¹Why the hell have I never received any web traffic from the constant use of that statement? I guess the 'suck balls' line is just too competitive a market, hey......

Rate My Testicles

Being not only a shameless google whore, but a shameless audience-satisfying tart open to whatever depraved request might come my way, I just thought I'd add this post. Ratings?

Rate my Ass

I'm perhaps a little bit more self-conscious about my ass, as I feel it is somewhat amusing in appearance. I'd really like to have compared it to other people's ass off the internet, but people seem remarkably coy in showing theirs to me. This has always struck me as particularly unfair given how amenable I've always been to let friends ride my ass whenever they feel like it (provided, of course, that my ass feels up to it). A surprising number of people claim that they don't have an ass at all, which I must admit has always struck me as odd. Anyways, above is a picture of my ass. I'd very much like to know what you think about it.

Rate My Cock

It is a little known fact that I am actually the proud owner of a rather large cock. After having such a lot of fun with it in the comfort of my own home, and boasting about it to friends and strangers at every opportunity, I thought maybe it was time to share its glory with the web community. I'd be very interested to hear your feedback.

I am a shameless google whore (and how!)

Thanks to a timely suggestion by Dave, I now have a Google Analytics account tirelessly recording the details of every poor schmuck who got trapped on this site after the 31st December. The results, while not actually good in a "ZOMFG! Advertising Dollars!" sense, is perhaps better than I should have expected given my crappy posting record over the time-frame in question. I am, of course, less concerned with the raw number of visits as in the internet search keywords that led people here. I shall now give a brief account of such searches to date, in a shameless rip-off of Martin's idea. Ahem. Excluding people searching for "myblogisanotherblog", the list is as follows:

1. "i am a woman in love" song wikipedia Hmmm....
2. andrew loyal Boy, did you have to trawl through a lot of search results to reach this site.....
3. curried meat pie blogs I wonder how many of these there are.......
4. gaussian eliminators We're famous!!!!!!!
5. geoff ulrich blog So while using google to try and find the blog of some random friend of yours, you found mine instead. Whoever you are, I would greatly appreciate a critique of 1000 words or so as to whose blog is better. Happily, the entry this search leads to is my opus A brief message for Geoff. I sure impressed somebody there.
6. i got into uq bitches Congratulations.
7. my blog hello hello yourself, buddy.
8. only anagram of noiseless This suggests to me a potential niche market. Incidentally, unless Harry lied to us, its "Lionesses"
9. ratemycock After all that google whoring, the only porn-related search that came here instead owes itself to a comment Martin left. I have mixed emotions about this.
10. sexiest mathematician My blog, presumably due to this post, appears third on a google search for this, just above one entitled "Jessica Alba has the sexiest wiggle".

Google analytics, in short, induces just that little bit of turgidity for me. Now, back to work.

Ethel the Frog Goes Down.

It occurs to me upon writing the above that I've just hit upon a wonderful title for that woefully under-represented genre of literature: porn for children. Sadly, such an opus must wait for other hands more capable than mine. This post is about trivia on monday instead. Those of you who find themselves now too disappointed with life to go on may excuse themselves quietly.

....................

Some portion of those of you who have not leapt out the nearest available window are perhaps wondering why I have not done this before, given my prior role as Red Room Trivia correspondent for Team Gauss - as relinquished by Dave for reasons of difficulties in commuting¹. But what, dear reader, would I have said? In all preceding weeks, we've done alright. Not brilliantly, not appallingly - just alright. Unfortunately, this blog is exclusively reserved for tales of mediocrity I can get completely and irrationally incensed about - and in the case of a mediocre trivia performance....... I'm sorry, I just can't do it. NO², my friends, when it comes to trivia there are but two reasons to blog about it:

1. You kick arse.
2. You suck balls.

Have a guess, given the following hint, which one occurred to us on monday. Our team name was Ethel the Frog. 

Being a team of 2 1/2 members³, no-one could have really been expecting great things from us, exactly, it's true. Given that we've never done so before, however, I at least felt just that little bit disappointed when we came in stone, cold motherless last on 63 points.

What really let us down here were the big fat juicy points we missed out on from the puzzle page and the bonus section. On the former, we correctly named an octagon, a dodecagon and found the only English anagram for noiseless. We kicked ourselves⁴, however, for missing the only english anagram for aspirant. The bonus round (each worth 5 points) went as follows:

1. What country, out of China, Brazil and South Africa, makes 70% of the world's light-bulbs? Our thought process: South Africa: too stupid, China: too obvious, Brazil: just right. I even went into a long, drawn-out justification: what country surely uses more light-bulbs than any other? The U.S.A. - hence a major manufacturing centre in Brazil makes a hell of a lot of sense........ bzzzzzzt China was correct.
2. In what U.S. state is Fort Knox? This one was the question Harry had posted on-line, which I'd neglected to check like a big fat dufus. My thought process: In Goldfinger, they rob Fort Knox. I distinctly remember James Bond drinking Mint Juleps whilst being held captive. The Mint Julep is the signature drink of the Kentucky Derby. Let's answer Kentucky. Hmmm.... why would you put a big gold-filled fort in Kentucky? Let's go with a big state.... like Texas. O.K. Texas it is....... the answer was Kentucky!!!!!!!
3. What element, once common in hat-making, was responsible for inducing madness: hence the phrase "as mad as a hatter"? This one we got right.
4. Who successfully covered the song "Up-town Girl" in 2000 and something? I feel we should have gotten full marks for our answer: "trick question - this song cannot be successfully covered". Harry felt otherwise.

In other news, I was kind of impressed with my recognition of song and title: The Gambler by Kenny Rogers in the music round. I got this not out of any special love of country music, which I assure you I lack, but because they play it ad-nauseam at every fucking poker final I've ever been to⁵. It's nights like these that seriously cause me to question my status as a trivia god. You, and you only, dear reader, can prevent a repeat of this ignominy by coming to monday trivia..... and maybe reminding me to check Harry's web-site for that damn bonus question.

¹By virtue of his being in France.

² I like big letters. I also like shiny objects, and footnotes.

³ We had a 3rd member who stayed for 1/2 the night.

⁴Hmmm... or rather Adriana kicked me.

⁵ Actually, me and a friend of mine are in the habit of standing up from our allocated tables in a hands-on-heart salute. This is a lie. Actually, we meant to do so, but what actually ended up happening was as followed: I stood up, looked for my friend, who didn't, then made like I was stretching my legs or something and sat down like a pansy.